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Eat Hamburger

// September 10th, 2010 // No Comments » // Blog

Sometimes we feel a great deal of sadness when visiting the past in our minds and sometimes we are just idiots. This is a good summation of how I feel as I wander down memory lane.

I was reminded today while sitting with a good friend of a time when I couldn’t eat. I don’t mean the “I missed dinner” kind of not eating, and I don’t mean the skipped-breakfast-and-am-stuck-in-a-meeting kind of not eating. No, I mean months of no food. Yes months without the ability to even open my mouth to stuff in any kind of food.

I was hit by a truck in my early 20′s and after some drug filled weeks in the hospital I was released into the world with a mouth almost nailed back together and a jaw most certainly wired shut. It was strange to experience this as I am sort of known for being,…well…. a loudmouth.

So there I was today sitting thinking about all this and as I recalled that time, I welled up a little and almost cried sitting there. Can you imagine? A grown man, (well a big dumbass, really) almost balling, thinking about some fucking food? Fuck me, I can be an idiot sometimes.

The story itself is rather unexciting. My mouth was wired completely shut (to let the bone set and heal) and for a few months I was to live on liquids. You know, boost, ensure, baby formula, weightlifters protein supplements etc. After losing somewhere in the neighborhood of 35-40lbs, I smelled some pizza or something one afternoon and it made me a little delusional. (personally, I think the delusions were to be blamed on the percocet, but that is another story). Anyways I decided that although I was living on liquids through a straw, the rules never said “what” could pass through the straw.

“Fuck it” I thought. I would cook me up some fuckin’ hamburger and spice it appropriately, puree that shit and drink her down. I hatched this plan and after some careful deliberation at the grocery store, and a quick trip to McDonalds for a bigger straw, I was on my way to bliss (yeah, I know…bliss? Shut up, you had to be there asshat…).

I cooked it well, but not too well, and I think I seasoned the meat nicely, but who knows, rat droppings could’ve been good just then. I will spare you the actual act, as it does not require reiteration here but  you can imagine how this story ends, and yes it involved throwing up a little with my mouth wired shut. It was a horrible experience, and a fantastic one all at the same time because I learned something invaluable about myself. I can win at this fucking game.

See, I thought for a long time about this and realized that I was not quitting just then, but winning. I had the strength inside me to push through any apprehensions I had and I drank fucking pureed hamburger trying to take care of myself.

There is a lesson here. Really.

Anyways, here I sit on my little sailboat, one of my realized dreams, and I thought I would say something about it because well, it is supposed to be therapeutic to talk about this shit.

Sometimes a bad day is an awesome day hiding behind a Charlie Chaplin mustache. Love each day because it’s such a fuckin’ awesome ride and your shitty day probably didn’t include puking pureed hamburger in your mouth while it was wired shut…

For the love of the game

// September 9th, 2010 // No Comments » // Blog

There are few things in life as exhilarating as the thrill of the hunt. Business, as in life, has its moments of pure thrill. The creation of an idea, the achievement of a goal in pursuit of the idea, the feeling of accomplishment in that first sale, the feeling of pure accomplishment when you hear someone you respect speak of your realized idea with respect.

The drive to succeed is split firmly into two camps. There are those who want the ideal of life and all that it entails but lack the strength to pursue with clear focus their endgames. The risk is too great, or the reward too little to breach that glass ceiling.

The other side however is an intense group of brilliant individuals who will take that chance, risk that little extra and persevere when another would have fallen. I admire them but cannot yet class myself amongst them. I know my failing and it is my focus. I am not a planner, and that costs me more than I can measure.

Lesson learned: Don’t be a dumbass. Plan and execute. Make the list and cross the fucking things off. One by one. Don’t fuck about, and don’t let easy-street distract you. The reward is worth it.

Yeah, I have ideas, (as anyone who knows me knows) and I have strength, and I have guts. I will bet the farm if I have to to win. I however lack this particular trait, and I am certain that it is the reason I have not been as good a player in the game of life as I could be. If I could change one thing in my life, it would be to add the ability to complete my lists…

Enough bullshitting for one night, I need to cross this off the list and go home now…

A room with a view…

// September 8th, 2010 // No Comments » // Blog

After a year working from my laptop either on a couch, or in a poang, or on my boat, or in a cafe, or on a ferry etc. I am sitting at a table in a chair and have a feeling of structure which I had all but forgotten existed. The office chair is a wonderful fucking thing…

Oh yeah. I have an office now. Fuck yeah!

Hello World

// September 7th, 2010 // No Comments » // Blog

Well, fuck it. It is the end of the September long weekend and I am about ready to pop. Fuck difficult, and fuck doing things the hard way. I am going to start a bit of a revolution now. No more Mr. Nice Guy. You win big by gambling big, and you lose by not playing. This is the way of life and anyone who says otherwise is full of shit. There is no room for conservative, closed-minded people in my head anymore, and there is no reason to wait until tomorrow to do what you can do today.

I was thinking the other day about motivation. Like, what motivates me? Stuff? People? Events? Milestones? Ideals? It’s a big question, and quite frankly, its entirely too fuckin’ deep a subject to spend too much time analyzing but it is worth spending a few moments thinking about and that is what I did.

Until recently I had been losing my motivation like the gulf-fucking-oil-spill and had been just “doing” things day to day in the grind of life. I was going really crazy in my head, and my world was getting smaller and smaller. I was aware of this, yet I would not act to change it. That is not a healthy way to be.

When I eventually realized this was becoming a serious problem, it took a fair amount of willpower to come to terms with the state of things in my life. That was hard, but not the hardest thing to do.

The hardest thing to do was to take action to change that situation. That required a certain amount of balls and a little bit of faith. Not the religious kind, but rather the unknown outcomes kind.

I imagine it is the same for everyone, and this is why we aren’t all better people.  I mean I don’t always have the balls to change,  so I avoid decisions or become passive-aggressive and this doesn’t solve anything, but it allows me to stay sheltered. I imagine this is a way some people live their entire lives. That sucks.

So what is the answer to this mindset? Well I don’t fucking know. I know what I did though. I took action. I am changing my circumstances. Constantly. My advice? Take some fucking gambles. This is for you…